The Weekly Salad: a weekly roundup of thoughts, blessings, pitfalls and insanity. Enjoy this week's blabber on recognizing and dealing with social anxiety, and being influenced by the 'french chic'.
Understand me: I am one of those who hate crowds, become nervous in social situations, and is afraid to walk alone in public because I am in constant fear that I would be stared at.
It feels good to actually write that confession statement out loud for strangers to read. Perhaps I am more of a writer because it is so difficult for me to say things out loud, but that does not neccessarily mean that I do not have a voice. A wise person once said: people write because nobody listens.
My struggle with social anxiety has always been there since childhood, although it did not seem that it even existed. As a child, I was always a part of the school band, often taking the stage to either play an instrument or say a few words that I have personally written down. I fought to get there, and back then I was not aware of the many social constraints that would later on be placed upon me. So I did what I had to do with joy, and lucky for me I had cute best friends who always offered their words of encouragement despite their incredibly young minds.
Years down the line and I found myself 'the quiet one' in high school, and being that person in high school is not the most glamorous thing life gives to you. I remember high school as a period of my life where I did my very best to avoid social situations that involved more than my close-knit group of friends. It was also the period where I began to learn that even the way I speak *accent* can determine my level of cool. However, I am proud to state that I used that time to focus entirely on becoming the woman I always wanted to be: I studied hard, I did my best, and I graduated. I had hope. That hope - and little bit of luck and fairly good grades - landed me a study schoalrship to the Netherlands - a country I never thought I would ever live in, and it was a marvelous experience. The excitement of moving abroad at the young age of only 17 over-ruled the fear I had, and for the first time in my life I felt like I can do and be whatever I wanted to be.
In university days, it took quite some time for me to feel comfortable around people. I started by slowly making closely-tied friendships with amazing people who later on introduced me to enjoying social events and the company of many people. I started to see myself in a new scope, one that I haven't seen before. I began to feel okay about meeting strangers, and I started to believe that being around people is sometimes an act of me showing kindness to my heart. I felt content with my relationships with others. I felt content with myself. Many would argue that the feeling of being content with yourself, or at peace with yourself has nothing to do with how sociable or successful your relationships are with others, but from a personal point of view: I truly believe that the divine sends hugs to you in many different forms, one of which is other human beings.
I decided to write this today because I am back to the point of fighting this anxiety. I would say I don't know how I got back to this point, but I would be lying. It was a touch of insecurity, loss of a relationship with a loved one, combined with the many failed attempts to build and re-build relationships that got me back to the starting line. It all started again after my university graduation, when I returned home and found myself unwillingly placed in a competition of who gets a better job first, and who will lead a better life. Although I tried to block those thoughts from my mind, it became more and more difficult when it was the only topic of discussion. I fell in love with being alone again. I avoided social gatherings just to avoid answering certain questions: so what will you do now? Did you find a job? Are you gonna get married?
It was so hard to tell the truth: I don't know.
Other factors that made me in absolute fear of social situations were insecurities about my body, weight, mental strength, and health concerns.
So I prefered being alone, which wasn't the best decision; because now I feel socially anxious more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I dislike going out because I constantly feel like I am being stared at, I also never attend social gatherings, I avoid grocery shopping in markets which I know will have many people, and sadly .. I started skipping all family gatherings.
This fear impacted my relationships with my family, my fiance, my work and myself. I am realizing a few steps on how to move forward, but I am afraid it will be a long journey to take. For now ... I will be focused on building the most solid relationship with myself
Remember the child who was not aware of any social constraints, and managed to fight stage fear and social anxiety? ... well, she was braver than the woman I am today. I need to get her strength back ...
If you think you experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:
- Being introduced to other people
- Being teased or criticized
- Being the center of attention
- Being watched while doing something
- Meeting people in authority ("important people")
- Most social encounters, especially with strangers
- Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something
- Interpersonal relationships, whether friendships or romantic
(source: socialanxietyinstitute.org)
Then perhaps you are dealing with social anxiety which can be treated. It is difficult when in most cases people do not consider this a real issue, and would often point fingers accusing the person suffering with this distress of being weak, a loser or even incapable of living life.
On a positive note:
Let's talk about the french chic.
I have been influenced by Garance Dore's book on Love Style Life. One beauty lesson from the french chic woman on choosing colors for your nails when you really can't decide: go bold red in spring/summer, and deeper darker red for autumn/winter. Simple.
